


Bar Sinister

by TheCursor



Series: Phil Coulson meets Deadpool [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Deadpool (2016)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-21 01:07:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6032581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCursor/pseuds/TheCursor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In his never ending quest to hold someone responsible for the utter destruction of a 6 billion dollar heli-carrier, Phil Coulson encounters a man even more annoying than Wade Wilson</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bar Sinister

Phil Coulson waited thirty minutes outside the bar. Then he waited thirty more. 

Then another ten minutes. 

By 2:15, the Director of SHIELD was positively fuming. It had been a long week and now this case was threatening the rest of his Friday. Phil liked to golf on Friday, so in a very real way Wade Wilson had stolen his tee time. Healing factor be damned, Coulson was going to shoot the little punk in the face when he finally got his hands on him. So when the Blackbird finally did descend from the skies, Coulson's fuse was lit and primed to explode. He barely waited for the rear hatch to open before screaming at the top of his lungs, "Where in god's name were you?" 

Colossus had the good sense to look sheepish when he saw Coulson's screaming face. Or maybe it was sarcasm. Colossus' steel skin only reliably registered about three different emotions so Coulson was never entirely certain what the hell the big Russian man mountain was talking about. "Do not be angry, Coulsonovich, we were busy with onboarding process for new member." 

The SHIELD Director's eyebrow ticked upward, "New member?"

Colossus stepped to the left to reveal Angel Dust, clad in her very own black and yellow X-suit, although had pulled the front zipper down to her midsection to reveal an unnerving amount of cleavage. Coulson groaned. 

"Oh Christ, they gave you a jumpsuit." 

"Da, part of onboarding process." 

Coulson rolled his eyes and looked towards Negasonic Teenage Warhead as she descended from the plane, "What the hell were they really doing?" 

"Porking." Quipped the teenager. 

Colossus went weak in the knees as years of Eastern Orthodox repression took over his frontal lobe, "That's not...Nyet. We weren't-" 

"Vhat mine colleague is tryung to say," Everyone turned as a fourth X-man joined the conversation. He was a short blue man with furry skin and a long tail, "Ist that ve are very sorry for his unprofessional behavior und that his actions are not meant to reflect on the rest of the X-men." This man was Kurt Wagner, the moral center of the X-Men and yet another annoying person from the long list of annoying people that Coulson had met while following Deadpool around, "Eye vill be directing this operation from now on." 

Suddenly Coulson wanted to stab himself in his own earlobes. The last thing this case needed was another person who spoke with an accent. He returned his gaze to Negasonic Teenage Warhead who clearly was the only member of the X-Men who wasn't a cultural cliche. "Is this guy for real?" 

"Yeah, the Professor put him in charge because this one," She pointed to Colossus who lowered his head out of shame, "Keeps porking this one." Her finger migrated to Angel Dust, who had never been ashamed of anything in her whole life. 

"That's ridiculous." 

"You wanna know what's ridiculous? My babysitter requires a babysitter so that he can more effectively babysit a woman that our government babysitter wants to arrest. Now that's god damned ridiculous." 

Coulson had to admit that the kid had an excellent point. "Alright, fine. Just have him stand at the back and don't say anything-" His sentence was interrupted by a phone book, which flew through the air and smacked Coulson on the side of the head. "What in the hell!" Another phone book landed next to Coulson and he looked up to the second floor where a small hairy man with glasses was casually throwing phone books towards Coulson's forehead. 

"Hey," shouted the hairy man between casual tosses of phone book missiles, "Move your stupid jet you cockbags, it's blocking my drive way!" 

Coulson straightened his back and looked up at the hairy little man and shouted back in a clear, authoritative voice: "Are you Jack Hammer?"

The little hairy man rolled his eyes, "Gee, thank you for reminding that my parents gave me a seventies porn name, call me Weasel." 

"We're here for Deadpool, Mr....Weasel." 

"Holy shit! I will literally tell you anything if it means you'll move that god damned plane." 

End

**Author's Note:**

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